The readings for this week hit very close to home. Because I am typing online in a twisted form of Computer Mediated Communication (CMC), I magically feel connected to all of my devoted readers, and thus am able to emotionally open up more than normal. Ahem. Here goes.
ABOUT THE BEST FRIEND...
Junior year of high school, I decided to join a web-based community called MySpace. In my first few weeks, I was contacted by a stranger (we'll call him John) through a friendly MySpace message. I think it said something like "Hey! I think you're cute." What started off as a quasi-physical attraction turned into a very deep friendship. Eventually, communication moved from MySpace to IM to e-mail to the phone. We talked about our families, lives, college, transitions, stress and all of the things that best friends talk about. By the time I was a junior in college, John was really my best friend in the world, ever. We spoke on the phone daily. Up to this point (5 years?) we never met in person. In an act of insanity or courage, John decided to take a trip from Queens, NY to visit me in West Chester, PA. This meeting was a complete disaster. We both had different expectations, different thoughts about what the other would be like and ultimately, these differences manifested in a really awkward couple days.
According to Baym and Walther, that situation is painfully predictable. As a sender, I was probably projecting an idealized image of myself through the Internet and phone communication. As a receiver, I was taking in an idealized image of John through our CMC and phone interaction. This all happened over YEARS, so the personality and physicality of our mental versions of the other became significant parts of both of our lives. Now, we had to settle the difference between the idealized and the real images of the other.
I know, I know, the suspense is killing you. WHAT ARE JOHN AND I DOING TODAY? Well, we are still friends. I moved to NYC to go to school at Columbia, so we have more time to enjoy FtF communication. We still have a lot of work ahead resolving the expectations and idealized images we created through CMC, but we are positive about the future.
ON TO THE BOYFRIEND...
I decided to take another stab at CMC and joined Match.com. Most of my friends thought I was insane for doing this, but they think I'm weird normally... so I wasn't fazed. Anyway, I signed up and decided to use what I learned from my now-strained relationship with John to make better communication choices online. Through Match.com I met my current boyfriend, Collin. I took a bit of a different approach, only exchanging a couple e-mails, moving to video chat, and after a few weeks meeting in person. This worked out incredibly well (obviously), and is proof that CMC used responsibly can have wonderful outcomes.
I think this experience speaks to the need to be educated about new media and possible consequences. Thank goodness John wasn't an online predator or someone trying to hurt me. In the five years we communicated before meeting, he obtained untold amounts of personal information about me. When I started MySpace in high school, I had no online education whatsoever. This ties nicely into the readings about Second Life.
The creators are facilitating a virtual world, modeled after the real world, yet omitting institutions that are essential to our existence in the real world. For example, they created a currency and regulations for that currency, seems right. Where is the rest of the government? Are these people anarchists?! There are no laws, no judicial system, no punishment. I guess they are leaving it up to the "states" or separate islands to construct their own rules? I don't think this is enough. People are being injured, killed, and raped in online worlds. In the real world, we know this is wrong. So in virtual worlds, why aren't there similar punishments? At some point, someone is going to have to take responsibility for crime, regulation, and keeping avatars and users alike safe: physically AND emotionally. Maybe the creators are just waiting for governments to fork over the cash to buy and island and fight crime? Who knows...
In conclusion, please feel free to talk to me about this at any time. I don't feel awkward about it at all - so if you have questions, or would just like someone to commiserate with about your failed or flourishing online relationship / friendship, I'm here. I'm here for you. Like a best friend you only know through this computer-mediated blog. But you know me oh-so well now. Wow, I feel so connected to you right now:: HYPERPERSONALLY CONNECTED!
And I guess there's always class. See you all there :o)
2 comments:
I think your two stories totally exemplify the spectrum of the possibilities that CMCs provide us, and also the factor of chance... Love is complicated chemistry. That said, thank you for sharing these stories and I totally support people meeting folks online.
I just wonder two things:
What role can the actual online tool afford the users?
How might your expectations using these tools have changed the outcome?
Personally, I hate MySpace. I deleted my account very soon after it reached critical mass. I never responded to anyone who tried to get in contact with me through MySpace. I loved to add friends and lurk on other peoples pages. I was cool with getting comments from the random people who I had meet -- at parties, in class, etc. But I generally just didn't use it to meet random new people. It reminded my of a public restroom.
On the other hand, I think the love/dating sites are awesome. They are so much better them picking someone up at a bar and far exceed their predecessor, the personal ad. Maybe it's because everyone on these sites knows what you are there for -- love or sex or both. There is no shame in it, and no "let's be friends" (but I really wanna date you).
Myspace is so glittery and everyone is full of themselves with the best pictures and the coolest quotes.
Match, Dr. Phil's site, JDate, they are all kind of simple.
I wonder if video chatting with Collin also had an impact. It is so much closer to ftf. You could see if he has a funny twitch, and what his teeth looked like. Small things that can make a huge difference in attraction. Or maybe it was because John was your friend that the attraction didn't happen.
I think both CMC and love are full of mysteries...
R
HI :) !!
Post a Comment